What's Your Sign?

So right now I'm "studying" for my Civil War history exam that's coming up on Wednesday. Tomorrow looks pretty busy, so I need to pack in as much studying as I can tonight (as you can tell by the blog). I was being a creeper and looking at some of my friends' blogs just now. I really love reading peoples' blogs because I feel like it gives me a glimpse into what they're really thinking and often makes me think. I decided to make this blog last March, but as you can tell, I haven't wrote anything since. But I shall try once more.

Here goes...
This past weekend the BU Navs went on our fall retreat to Lake Sunapee, New Hampshire. We stayed with a wonderful, generous couple in a beautiful house right on the lake. I love fall retreat for so many reasons... being out of the city, being able to hear birds sing and water flow, having a lot of time to spend alone with Jesus, getting to be around people I love, having deep, thoughtful conversations with them, playing long sessions of games like 'signs', and so much more.

We were reading through Galatians this weekend and it really made me think a lot. The verse that struck me the most is Galatians 2:20, which says:

"I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Isn't that crazy! Like, that's seriously HEAVY. Needless to say, I'm still thinking about what that really means and how I can let that become real in my life. I think that it's one of those things that I'll never fully comprehend, but that's okay. It's more important to just let Christ do this in me, and less important for me to be trying to make it happen. We were talking this weekend about things we sometimes do because we feel like it will make us more good or presentable. But in reality, we always fall short of perfection. I find myself, a lot of times, trying to prove myself and my 'goodness' to God and to others. But what really is the point of that? Anything good that comes out of me, isnt by my doing... it's really from Jesus.

One of my favorite (and also, for me, one of the most overwhelming) parts about the retreat was the large group discussion that we had on Saturday night to discuss Galatians. I really do love these kinds of discussions because they usually open my eyes up to things that I never would have realized on my own. But to be honest, they also leave me feeling really confused, worn out, and frustrated. This is for a bunch of reasons; mainly because I get frustrated with myself for not always being able to follow what's being said, for not being able to understand what God is trying to tell us, and for not being able to form thoughts fast enough to contribute more to the discussion. I wish sometimes that I could understand things better and process more clearly. So, this led me to think about how much I worry about understanding things-- concepts, ideas--stuff. I really have linked it too much to my identity-- fearing that others might not view me as smart or capable. Like when someone says something and I dont have anything to say back, or when people are talking about something that I really should know about (but don't), I take it way too seriously. But, the fact is that Im just not always going to be able to understand things. And that's really okay. Jesus doesn't love me for how smart or not smart I may be. Need to remember that.

And as for understanding God... it's important to remember that God is so infinitely bigger than I can ever even imagine. It's important to be open to God and to him displaying himself more and more to me everyday, but the fact is that while on earth I will not be able to fully get it. And that's kind of beautiful... the fact that everyday I get the chance to see God a little more clearly.

Peace out.